


What If?

by Ember_Lee



Series: The Stories Our People Sung Of [7]
Category: Avatar: Legend of Korra, Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Family Feels, Gen, Inner Dialogue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-26
Updated: 2018-09-26
Packaged: 2019-07-17 18:42:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16101515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ember_Lee/pseuds/Ember_Lee
Summary: What if you had never been born? What would I have become then?





	What If?

You know Lin, it’s time like this I relish. Just us, sitting on the couch, cuddle together after a long day at work, whilst listening to whatever jazz is on the radio. Sometimes you’re full of energy, and you adamantly describe your day to me, retelling those exciting tales of your adventures with Tenzin, or the pranks you pulled with Bumi and Kya. I always laugh, even if you’ve already told me the same stories on the way home from the island. Other times, you’re calm and quiet, watching as I bend my meteorite bracelet into your favourite shapes, sometimes asking if you can give it a try. When you’re in this mood, you tend to get a little girly though, and adapt the ‘Katara’ attitude, which worries me. Even though I go along with it, and let you play with my hair, or murmur about the ‘fashion’ of the city these days, I can never quite quench the unwanted feeling that maybe Katara is more of a mother to you than I am. Here I am, out at outrageous hours of the day, beating up bad guys, attending trials and meetings, trying to avoid boring paperwork, all in the hopes of building a safer city for you to live in, when you’re off on some tiny island for most of the day, sometimes a good stretch of the week, surrounded by that family atmosphere, and it makes me wonder Lin, it makes me wonder…  
How do you see me Lin?  
Do you admire me, or fear for me? Do I even cross your young mind during the day? What about at night? Like right now, as you slumber in my lap, can you feel my hand threading through your hair as you dream? What do you dream of? You seem peaceful, and your heart rate is even, but that’s all I can gather from you. So many questions run through my mind Lin, so many questions, and I just wish…I wish there was enough time in the day for me to be able to ask them, let alone hear your answers.   
You know Lin, when I was pregnant with you, I was so scared. Your dad had left, Katara was busy tending to Tenzin, Aang was helping her and performing his Avatar duties, and Sokka was away at Kyoshi, visiting Suki. I was alone, and truly frightened, not knowing what to do to help support that second beating heart I now held. I would sit here, on this very couch, driving myself crazy with unanswered questions and worries. So many ‘what if’s’ Lin, so many. You’d be surprised at what ran through my mind at times.  
Like, what if your dad hadn’t run off? Would he be sitting here with me right now, comforting me in my panicked state? Would he hold me tightly, and rub soothing circles across my belly? Would I be married? Would you have siblings? Would I even be Chief of Police?  
Or, what if I went into early labour, and no one knew? What if all the phone lines were dead and I couldn’t contact anyone? What if we were attacked and I couldn’t defend myself? What if I was called out for a job and I got seriously injured, to the state that I could risk losing you?  
What if, you born with some sort of disability? What if you were blind? I wouldn’t want to put you through that. To me that would be the ultimate torture. What if you were deaf or mute? Imagine the communication problems we’d have aye my little badgermole? What if someone deemed me unsuitable to be your guardian and took you away from me? What if my parents came and took over, forcing you to live the same life I did for twelve miserable years?   
What if…

What if I never gave birth to you? What if I miscarried somewhere along the lines? I mean, there was ample opportunity for it in my line of work. Though my officers looked out for me and shield us both from the nastiest of attacks, anything could have happened. What if I had tripped down the stairs and landed funny? What if I took a rock to the stomach unintentionally? What if, one day, I just, woke up, to find that that second heartbeat I had grown so use to feeling had, disappeared, and that there was just a heavy lump sitting around my stomach? I think, my dearest Lin, that if that had happened, I would have come close to killing myself. I would have become so depressed and withdrawn, that maybe even my closest friends wouldn’t have been able to pull me out of my funk.  
But thank the Spirits that what if never happened. It’s still there though; just adapted to what if you were taken away from me in the near future? What would I do then?  
So many what if’s Lin, so many.

Despite all of these, there’s one that ways heavy on my heart. What if, you didn’t love me? What if you don’t love me? How do you see me Lin?

I want to-

What if-

I _need_ to-

_*sigh*_

I wish-I wish things could be simpler. I wish I could be braver and share these things with you when you’re awake instead of mumbling them to you now. But I feel it takes a lot of courage to do that on my part, and regardless of how badass and awesome I am, even I struggle with my feelings. So all I can do now my sweet little badgermole, is hold you close and listen to your heartbeat, while constantly questioning those ‘what ifs?’ rampaging in my mind. And when the time comes, maybe, just maybe, I’ll have the courage to answer a few of them myself.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Small Bump- Ed Sheeran


End file.
